I was talking with a childhood friend this past week and as usual our conversation slid over to men, marriage and dating. She had been married to her husband for 18 years and they have 2 adult children. They’d actually divorced after year 12, but re-married one year later. It was funny that neither wanted the divorce to begin with, but too stubborn to admit it once the ball started rolling.
Of course, y’all know my situation, I’ve been divorced a few times and dating is currently not even on my radar right now. My friend went on to point out that I’d been divorced for 3 years now and hadn’t so much as went out to dinner with a man in over 5 years. I almost asked her how did she know so much about my love life (or lack thereof) until I remembered who I was talking to. Damn, I talk too much!
After my marriage ended, I needed a break from the expectations, the splitting of allegiances and of course, the fragile male ego. Don’t get me wrong, I love men – I just don’t like them very much right now. Yeah – I have issues!
When I moved to Atlanta, everyone kept telling me that I wouldn’t find a man here because they were either married, gay, on the down-low or involved with multiple women. I suppose it’s a very good thing that I’m not trying to date right now. Having been here for a year and after listening to the stories of my colleagues and clients, it’s rough in the dating world.
I was having a conversation with a male friend the other day and we’re strictly platonic, so he feels free enough to share his dating habits with me. He’s a handsome fellow, over 40 years of age, financially secure with his own home, several cars and currently single. He tells me that at any given time, he has as many as 3 girlfriends and all of them know that they aren’t the only one.
I was showing my disbelief (maybe my naivety), so he went on to explain. He said that he would tell them that he could only see them on certain days/nights because he was “busy” during the rest of the week. I asked if they ever wanted to know what kind of “busy” he was referring. He said he told them he was “busy” taking care of his business. I was too floored by this explanation. I asked if they fell for that? He stated, “Every time”.
He went on to disclose that sometimes he had to do some fancy footwork in town so as not to run into one of his ladies when it wasn’t her night. I asked him why did he feel the need to date multiple women. He thought about it for a while and said because they allowed it and shyly admitted that it felt good to know that he was “The Man”. We laughed about his escapades, but I told him not to be surprised when karma comes to bite him in the behind. While puffing up his chest, he stated, “Not to Big Daddy!” OK Big Daddy!
I wish I could say that this conversation was an anomaly, but its not. I’ve heard so many women lament about discovering a man they thought they were dating exclusively was actually dating other women. Sometimes I’ll hear men discuss their negative dating experiences, but not so often. Maybe its an ego thing.
It is very rare that I hear people discuss positive relationships. I want to hear about him meeting his girl online and she turned out to be exactly what he prayed to God for. I want to hear about her meeting him at the grocery store, when he asked her opinion about laundry soap. What happened to those stories? Are they out here in Atlanta? Georgia? North Carolina? Florida, perhaps?
Y’all, I think we should start a revolution. A Love Revolution. Let’s bring positive relationship talk back to the conversation. As I was preparing for one of my classes last week, I found this love quote by Bob Marley:
“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.” ― Bob Marley
I love this quote because it’s so true and real. Mr. Marley seemed to know a thing or two about relationships and perhaps he would approve of a love revolution.
The Love Revolution has 5 key principles. Let’s consciously and intentionally:
- Be honest in what you want. If you’re not ready to date exclusively, tell him/her that. If you want a booty call -say that, but give ‘em the option of accepting or declining.
- Stop wasting each other’s time. If you like her and she likes you – y’all hang out, date, see where it goes. If after 4-5 years, y’all still kickin’ it, well…….I’ll leave that right there.
- Stop bashing the opposite sex. Yes, I said he had a fragile ego, I’m sorry (not). I’m trying 😊!
- Teach our kids that its ok not to be in a relationship. Everybody don’t have to be Boo’d up. Learn to love your own company. It’s really ok NOT to be in a relationship.
- Be the real You – Online and In-person. Bring you’re A-game & stop the lying.
I like to think that eventually I’ll date again. Right now, I just want to see everyone happy and in love. It’s so nice to witness the love between my daughter and her husband or my brother and his wife. They have that New-New love that you could almost see big cartoon hearts floating over their heads. Even my childhood friend and her husband’s love story. They’ve been through plenty, with battle scars to show for it, but those cartoon hearts are still floating around like helium filled balloons. I have other friends in Tampa who’ve been married since a year after high school, 25 years ago. I see cartoon hearts when I look at them conquering life’s challenges.
