When the first call went immediately to voicemail, I didn’t panic. Maybe she couldn’t answer the phone right away, so a message wasn’t warranted at the time. After thirty minutes, I called again and as the voicemail clicked in, I said as nonchalantly as possible, “Hey, give me a call when you get this message.”
I let another thirty minutes pass and when she hadn’t called back, I checked that cool phone app that allows you to find your friends. Yeah, she was where she said she’d be, so why wasn’t she picking up? I waged an internal battle with myself, should I call her again or should I wait until she called me back?
My 17- year old daughter was on her first date and I was a nervous wreck!
Yeah, I’m that mom who worries when the kid is out of my sight for more than the amount of time that I deem appropriate. I know its an irrational worry, but is it really? As a single parent for most of her life, it has been my duty to ensure that she was feed, clothed, educated and spiritually led; however, she’s 5’3, weighing in at 112lbs and the world is full of “what-ifs”. What if she misses the bus? What if she’s kidnapped? What if her date leaves her stranded? What if he drinks and decides to drive? What if? What if? What if?
As I waited for her to call me back, I practiced some meditative breathing techniques that I’d learned years earlier with my oldest daughter and after a tense few minutes, I calmed myself down.
I decided not to call, after all she was at the movie theater and she’s known for turning her phone off during the movie.
After the movie was over, she texted me to let me know that they were headed to the local ice cream shop and she’d be home before curfew. I looked at the time and it was 9pm and her curfew was midnight. It doesn’t take three hours to eat ice cream. I checked the phone app again. Yeah, I’m that mom!
Like most teenagers, my daughter thinks she’s invincible and can handle any situation that life throws at her. A part of me likes that she’s self-confident and self-assured, but again like teenagers, they don’t know what they don’t know. Some teens don’t realize that not everyone has their best interest as heart. Most teens haven’t grasped the concept that just because you call them “friend”, that they may call you “sucker”. Most teenagers don’t realize that danger lurks just beyond the curve and slowing down may be prudent. I say most teens, but the fact is that most adults have not mastered these concepts either.
As I sat waiting on my daughter to return home, I began to ponder what life would like after she goes off to college. While raising my daughters, I rarely thought about my life after they left home. Four years ago, when my older daughter left for college, I went through an adjustment phase, but I still had this girl to keep me busy with parenting duties. Daughter #2 is now a senior in high school and college acceptance letters have arrived for Fall 2020. Y’all! I ain’t ready!
Since becoming a mother 23 years ago, I have cooked, cleaned, cajoled, bathed, bribed and boosted, scraped, skipped and shouted and much, much more. The thing is, I would do it all again (in a heartbeat!). The question I’ve been asking myself is how do I make this transition? How do I pump the brakes on motherhood? I came to the realization that women have been making this transition from time immemorial and how I define the transition is totally up to me.
In the meanwhile, I have several months to ensure that I teach my college bound daughter these 6 valuable lessons:
1. YOUR INTUITION DOES NOT LIE
When I was younger, I never thought about intuition. People in my community rarely mentioned it. It wasn’t taught in school, it wasn’t mentioned in my home and so, it was something that I didn’t give a second thought about. Before my daughter leaves for college, I want her to know that her intuition is that part of her mind that know things without analytic reasoning. Some people call it a “gut feeling” and other’s call it a “Woman’s Intuition”. The fact is that sometimes, we get a feeling about people or situations. Some people may choose to ignore those thoughts or consciously reason them out; however, I want my daughters to know that when they have a “feeling” about something or someone, not to ignore it – It’s their God given intuition and it doesn’t lie.
2. USE YOUR VOICE
Daughter #2 is a whisperer. I don’t know where she gets this from, but instead of speaking at a regular volume, she whispers. There have been moments that I thought this would hinder her growth, but it has not been a factor – she has grown up in an environment that has leaned in to listen to her whispered voice. As she transitions into college life, I want her to understand that there are people who won’t hear her unless she uses the full volume of her voice. The occasion may warrant a roar or a whisper, but I want her to know that doing both at the flip of a switch is pretty darn cool and sometimes necessary. I also want her to know that words are powerful and once spoken cannot be unspoken.
3. FIND YOUR PEOPLE
When we watch movies about college-life, they always show students in groups. A group of students in the quad, a group of girls pledging a sorority. Daughter #2 is not the group type. She’s an introvert like her mother. As an introvert, there’s been times that I wished I was more of a social butterfly, but as an introvert, that’s exhausting. As my daughter heads off to college, I want her to find two or three people who appreciate her uniqueness. I want her to know that we are wired for connectedness. As humans, we function better when we are connected to like-minded people. I want her to find her people because life, especially college life is better when you have someone to celebrate wins and commiserate losses.
4. NOT EVERYONE WILL LIKE YOU
I used to think that if I was nice and followed the Golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you” that everyone would like me. Not that I went out of my way to have everyone like me, I just thought that since I had not offended, that I would be universally liked. BOY, WAS I WRONG! I went into the US Air Force right out of high school and at 17 years old got a rude awakening! There were people who didn’t like me because: 1) I was too short, 2) I was too black, 3) I was too well-spoken, 4) I was too smart, 5) I smiled too much….The list was endless. Before my daughter leaves home, I want to ensure she knows that not everyone will like her and that is absolutely fine! I want her to know that people who dislike her for no apparent reason are miserable and she shouldn’t waste valuable time fretting about the whys.
5. IF YOU MUST HAVE SEX, PRACTICE SAFE SEX
I often tell my kids that I haven’t always been a mom (to their disbelief). I was once a teenager dealing peer pressure, puppy love and PDA (public displays of affection), and I’ve stood in the same position they now stand. As Daughter #2, makes the decision on which college to attend, she’s also deciding on if she’s going to practice abstinence or safe sex. I want her to know that I prefer she abstain from sex until she’s 30 years old, but since that may not be possible, that she should always, always practice safe sex. I want her to know that it is okay to carry protection in her purse because I’d rather she be protected than not. I also want my college bound daughter to know that not everyone is having sex and that its okay to say no in any state of undress. While many people are into the “hook up” culture and “Netflix and Chilling”, there are quite a few who are choosing to wait and there’s nothing wrong with that!
6. REMEMBER WHO LOVES YOU
As I tucked my kids into bed at night, I would ask them, “Who loves you?” They would say, “Mom loves me” and I would say, “Who else?” and they would say, “Grandma and Grandpa” and I would ask, “Who else?” They would go through almost every family member and then lastly, I would ask, “Who else?” and they each would yell, “God loves me!” As Daughter #2, makes this big leap into adulthood, I want her to always remember that God loves her and when she’s feeling lonely to know that she is never alone because He is always with her. I want her to remember that His love sustains us, His love strengthens us and His love supports us. With the love of God, she is braver that she knows, wiser than she could imagine and stronger than she could conceptualize.
At 10:30pm, I hear the lock turn on the front door and my daughter and her date glide in as if they’re walking on air. I smile to myself as I flashed back to that Downey Wrinkle-Guard commercial where the mom is upset because her daughter boyfriend’s clothes are wrinkled after their date. As they said their goodbyes under the foyer light, I noticed how young and innocent they both looked and said a silent prayer that they remain friends as they went away to separate colleges. They’re so cute together. As she turned to go to her room, I asked her a question that I hadn’t asked in a long time. I said, “Who loves you?” She looked at me shyly and answered, “God and a lot of people, Mom, A lot of people!”
Do you have a college bound teen? How are you dealing with the transition?
Good lessons to teach both sons and daughters. As a mother of four adult children I want you to know you will always worry about them (mine are 46,44 and 41) but you cannot prevent bad things from happening to them or from them doing bad things. What you can do is assure them they have your unconditional love.
The beginning of your post made me glad mine lived at home and went to college! The transition is very hard.
My girls are still toddlers, so I’ll do my best to enjoy this time before they start dating and going to college!
A journey so many parents take…worrying about their children! You are an amazing mom with some very good advice! Your children are so lucky to have you!
Totally relatable! I adore your daughter’s answer at the end of this piece, you’re doing a great job obviously. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Great advice for anyone! It’s nerve-wracking being a parent, for sure. I don’t think we ever stop worrying.
Great advice for all of our children. Don’t worry about the people who will never like you- not worth the time.
I think you are a great Mom! Mine are grown too and I still worry at times. That’s our job, right?! I love the bedtime question!
great story. i have a girl who has left the house. it’s a tough tough transition and this generation handles things very differently then we did in the past.
I have one child down and two to go, lol. My middle may go to college this fall, and I think #4 and #6 are an important combination–“not everyone will like you but I will always love you.”
All great tips – we have a collegebound student this fall and plan on giving him some of the same tips!
These are great! I wish I had these when I went to college. ‘Not Everyone Will Like You’ is spot-on!
This brings back such good memories. It was hard when they left home, but now that they’re grown, we’re closer than ever. Thanks for sharing!
This is a hard transition! Great read!
I need to learn meditation I get nervous when my girls do not text or call back. But I guess there is a point we have to trust them . I really enjoyed this post. Thank you.
I really love the advice here. It is so important! I really like #4. Many people never learn this lesson!
Good advice. I would say that intuition doesn’t lie, but fear does. It’s hard to find that line sometimes. Both of my daughters went to college across the country. I had to seriously let go and just pray that they survive the dating scene, emotionally and physically. Not everyone will like you … isn’t that the truth!
Perfect timing! My oldest son is off to college in the fall. I struggling with it for various reasons. I plan on blogging more about as his graduation day gets closer and he makes his decision as to which college he will attend.
As the mom of three college graduates, all girls, I can concur with your advice. I added “don’t do anything “Incredibly”, assuming stupid was a given. Lol
My kids are still in grade school, but I will be a mess when it’s time for them to head off to college. You definitely have some good advice here. It sounds like you have instilled some great wisdom into your kids.
I can soooooo relate to this. I have 2 adult daughters and one just graduated from college a year ago. Lots of worry from this momma but she got through it. Just last weekend my teen aged son did the whole “not responding to my text messages” thing after their musical performance. It stresses me out to give them wings to fly and more privileges as they get older, so I love your valuable tips!
Wonderful advice!
Excellent advice! My only daughter is grown, married and a mother, but I still get anxious when she doesn’t text or call me right back!
I can’t even imagine what its going to be like when we move to this stage with my kids. I love all of your lessons and thoughts to her.
I like mobile phone era, when you can send a message & they’ll get back to you.
Trust that you have taught them well. Just as your responsible 17 year old showed.
This gave me feels! Im a brand new mom to a little boy, and can’t even imagine sending him off to college. These are great pieces of advice for young women that are close to becoming independent!
Great article! My boys are a little older than that and I think we treat boys differently..unfortunately. You have some great advice for your daughter!
I have an only child who is just embarking on high school next year and I’m not handling THAT well. College is beyond my comprehension right now.
Excellent words of wisdom to share with your daughter! You’ve prepared her well. She’s going to soar. Yeah, you’ll worry. It’s what parents do. But you will do well too. A new phase is about to begin for both of you.
Lovely post. My daughter is 10 and I worry constantly when she is not with me. I can’t even imagine when she is old enough to date!
AH this was so sweet, thanks for sharing. My daughter is still in elementary school but I will blink and have all these same emotions (some I already have!)
Great lessons!!! I especially like “Find Your People”. So true. Good luck to her!
This article was great for partners with daughters. It can be a nerve wracking place to be when they grow up but you have to allow them to grow.
Such a story that so many parents write every year. Your words of wisdom are very helpful. I’m glad my kiddos went to the local university, but I do know the challenges even when they are local. Great tips!!