Hey Friends,
I had lunch with an old work buddy last week and as we were talking, she confessed to me that she had an affair with one of our colleagues. We’d been catching up on everybody from the office and out of the blue, she says, “You know Chuck and I were sleeping together?” I didn’t think I heard her correctly because I laughed and said, “Girl, what did you say about Chuck?” She repeated, “Chuck and I were sleeping together – We had an affair!” At that point, all laughter ceased because Chuck was married, and Angela was married and not to each other. Not to mention that Chuck’s wife worked in our building and had lunch with us at least twice a week.
I know office romances happen all the time (to the detriment of HR), but let me tell you why I was so taken aback by Angela’s confession. Angela’s husband worshiped the ground she walked on. She and Robert were high school sweethearts, went to the same college together and got married after graduation. When we met, they had been married for 16 years and had one son, RJ. Angela would tell us tales of the wonderful surprise trips she & Robert would take, the wonderful gifts he bestowed upon her and the wonderful deeds he’d done for her parents. At one point, my office mates and I started calling him, “Wonderful Robert”. Someone would see Robert coming down the hallway, flowers in hand, and yell out, “Wonderful Robert strikes again!” None of us were jealous, at least I don’t think we were. As single ladies, we were encouraged that chivalry was not dead.
Robert worked nearby and would often visit Angela at the office. When he saw Chuck, they would do the handshake/hug thing men do and you could hear them talk about sports or man-stuff. One day, Angela even mentioned that Chuck and Robert were going to an MMA fight together.
When I realized what Angela had actually said, I thought to myself, “Why is she telling me this bullcrap?”, but what I said to her was, “We all make mistakes”. I wanted that to be the end of the conversation about the affair, but she wanted to tell me all the details. I stopped her and said, “Angela, I’m sure you had your reasons, but I don’t want to hear about you & Chuck!” Then she accused me of judging her. I said, “I’m not judging, I just don’t want to know the details.” The conversation got really tense after that and we ate in silence for the next 10 minutes.
On my way home, Angela called to apologize for ruining lunch and asked me not to mention the affair to anyone. I said, sure and hung up. As I thought about the conversation, I found myself getting mad at Angela because I was fond of Robert and Chuck. I loved hearing stories of Wonderful Robert and although Chuck’s wife didn’t come around as often; he talked lovingly about her with a smile that couldn’t deny his love. Chuck was one of the few guys in the office and most of us called him our “Work Husband”. I thought Chuck was a great guy and husband.
At this point, I hadn’t seen Chuck in over 3 years, but I wanted to call him up and give him a piece of my mind for fooling us into thinking he was a great guy. I even checked my phone to see if his number was still in my contact list. Yeah, I know it’s petty, but I was upset. By the time I arrived home, I’d calmed down and as I reached my front door I had an epiphany. People are just people and they make mistakes. Mistakes don’t make them bad, it just makes them human.
Y’all probably know this already, but I had to remind myself that Romans 3:23 state: for all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.
True enough, what they did was so wrong on so many levels, but who am I to judge????Wait! Was I judging though?
Was I being judgmental when I told Angela that I didn’t want to hear about her affair with Chuck? I didn’t think I was at the time. I only knew that I didn’t want to know what happened because 1) It was none of my business and 2) I liked my impression of their marriages. I wanted to remain blissfully ignorant of anything distasteful in their homes. As it were, things were not wonderful in either camps.
So, no I wasn’t being judgmental, I was only protecting my spirit from undue negativity. Sometimes people will unload negativity on you so that you can share in their burden load. Much like when you’re bench pressing and the weight is too heavy and your spotter helps to get the weight back to the bar. When you refuse to co-sign or partner with their bad behavior (to include listening to their latest tryst), they’ll get mad and call you judgmental.
To be totally transparent, I wanted to know the juicy details. The flesh craves that type of gossip, but at what cost? Later that night, I prayed for my old friends and co-workers and asked God to bless their marriages. I also asked God to check my heart and to remove any remnants of judgement, condemnation or ill-will that may have been embedded. Over the next few days, I thought about Wonderful Robert and our Work Husband Chuck and prayed they both found contentment in their respective marriages.
Angela and I have texted often since our last meeting. I decided that I’m not here to police or judge, I’m here to love my neighbor in the Mark 12:31 type of way. There’s talk about getting the old staff back together for a reunion of sorts. Now that ought to be interesting!
Has anything like this even happened to you? How did you handle it?
Note: Much has been changed to protect the innocent.
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I think you responded in a way that was very positive. You affirmed your friend but you made it clear you wouldn’t hear the sordid details. I haven’t had this exact situation with someone admitting to an affair. But I was in a situation where a friend of mine was being discussed, and as soon as her name was mentioned I said I don’t want to hear any of it. Lest you start thinking that I’m so strong as to resist gossip when it shows its ugly face. No I’m not. But I just couldn’t bear to hear anything bad about her. And the truth is she isn’t an easy person to get along with. Sadly, had I not liked the person being discussed I don’t think I would have said anything. I know what you experienced was on a different level. I think your friend wanted to ease her burden of guilt by sharing with you. You did the right thing. And it doesn’t mean you are judging.
I totally get what you’re saying. It’s hard sometimes to refrain from gossip (especially about our not so favorite people), but we have to at least make the effort. Thanks for reading!
Oh, how painful for you! As mentioned in other comments, you were right to affirm your friend. To feel betrayed yourself by poor judgement is going to happen. These people made choices. Celebrating them by dumping on friends won’t make things right. So, yes, shut it down. Affirmation and acceptance doesn’t translate into APPROVAL.
Absolutely! Thanks for reading!
Great post, people make mistakes we just need to pray for them and encourage them. Let them know what they did was wrong but not in a judgemental way
This is so true! Thanks for reading!
Affairs are so painful to everyone they touch. I think when people wander or jump into them they rarely are thinking about the painful consequences. It sounds like you handled the situation well. You raise another excellent point when we compare the inside of our life to the outside of someone else’s we are probably missing huge things in the other person’s life and it isn’t nearly as perfect as we think it is.
To everyone, even innocent bystanders…I liked everyone involved (still do), but…. Thanks for reading!
That definitely would have been a surprise
Most definitely!
I think your reaction was completely right and not judgmental at all. Great post.
Thanks for reading!
Well, I am gobsmacked! My first reaction is, no, you were not being judgmental but she was feeling guilty, thus her response. It would be hard for me to remain friends…I think she would sense my extreme disappointment in her and Chuck. Most people want to do what they want to do with no repercussions and that’s just not the way life works. Eventually, her, and possibly Chuck’s unhappiness will ruin a lot of lives. So sad and so unnecessary. I feel sorry for them all.
Yes! I was disappointed because I can’t look at them the same anymore. The good thing is that all of us no longer work together. I’m a true believer in redemption and forgiveness, so I choose to be optimistic for all involved.
What a shock! I know that it can be hard to find out that someone or something may not be as it seems.
A shock for sure! Thanks for reading!
I’m not sure you can say someone isn’t a good person or not a “great guy” because of a situation you know nothing about. Seems pretty judgy to me. Maybe your friend told you because they needed advice on what to do and felt so terrible that they needed to get it out. I have had a coworker tell me these exact words but we had a much different response and I never felt any burden or negativity or felt “in the middle” ever. Sometimes people need to just get things out and have someone listen and tell them the things they already know but dont want to confront.
Hey friend, thanks for setting me straight on the judgement issue. I know people who do bad things aren’t necessarily bad people. I just prefer not knowing the details.
I think your reaction was spot on. It is so hard to hear about situations like this!!
Thank you for saying so and I appreciate you for reading.
I liked your point about wanting to know all of the juicy details, but at what cost. I need to work on loving my neighbor more and not seeking to know all of the juicy details of their lives.